Some say that trust is like a glass, once broken can never be rebuilt. That may be true to some extent because the only ground (in the bible) that allows for separation in marriage is adultery. Showing how serious it is.
Steve: “I never imagined that Jodi would commit adultery. I lost all trust in her. Words cannot describe how difficult it was for me to forgive her.”
Jodi: “I understand why I lost Steve’s trust. It took many years for me to prove my regret.”
Steve, quoted above, decided not to get a divorce. Infidelity shattered the trust between them. Since mutual trust is vital to marital happiness, they work hard to build back trust. If you and your mate are striving to save your marriage or relationship after as great a setback as adultery, you will obviously face a difficult challenge. The first several months after the news is broken may be especially trying. But you can succeed! How can you rebuild trust? Consider the following four suggestions.
1. Be honest with each other.
Lies, half-truths, and even silence undermine trust. Therefore, you need to speak openly and honestly with each other. However, at first, you two might be upset to discuss the infidelity. Eventually, though, you need to talk candidly about what happened. Not discussing the subject together might hinder the healing process. No doubt, discussion about the betrayal will be painful. Nevertheless, remember that your primary purpose is, not to punish your partner, but to learn from the tragedy and strengthen your marriage.
2. Refrain.
If you are the unfaithful mate, refrain from making excuses or blaming your spouse. Take responsibility for your actions and the hurt you caused. If you are the injured mate, do not scream at your spouse or use abusive language. By avoiding such speech, you will encourage your spouse to continue talking openly to you.
3. Work as a team.
“Two are better than one.” That principle is especially true when you are working hard to rebuild trust. You both need to be committed to saving your marriage. If you try to cope individually, you may be setting yourself up for more problems. You need to view each other as partners. It may take time, but you two need to work together as a team to build a solid union again, with the unfaithful mate always looking for ways to reassure his/her mate of his/her loyalty while the injured mate continues showing love. So together, resolve to work as a team to restore trust in your marriage.
4 Replace old habits with new ones.
If you are the offending mate, think of actions or attitudes that for the sake of your marriage or relationship should be torn out and thrown away. Obviously, you need to break contact with the other party involved. Dealing with the other party in the presence of others and with your mate’s full knowledge may be necessary. You could change your cell phone and use your mate’s phone. Change any flirtatious manners. Do well to be completely open about your daily activities. Ask each other what actions are likely to rebuild trust. List them, and put them to practice and you may also add routines that you can enjoy together.
5. Know when to move on.
Do not be quick to conclude that it is time to start living as if everything were back to normal. It will take time—perhaps years—to restore trust. If you’re the betrayed mate, allow yourself time to forgive fully. Forgiveness—and trust—are likely to come gradually. However, time heals. To heal the breach, forgive your mate and express that forgiveness by sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings with your spouse. Also, encourage your mate to share his or her joys and concerns. Do not nurture bitterness, work to overcome it. Eventually, when both of you are satisfied that the necessary changes in your relationship have been made, you will gain security, and then, start focusing on other goals. Even so, schedule regular periods to evaluate your progress. Deal with setbacks, and confirm your commitment to each other. Remember, instead of trying to get your marriage back to the way it was, think of yourselves as building a new and stronger relationship.
You can succeed. With God, the originator of marriage, you can make your marriage succeed. Do not hesitate to call him for help during times of uncertainty; he is ever ready to help you succeed.
